Every now and then, I'll take a glance at the Dear Abby column in our local newspaper.
Today, I probably shouldn't have.
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I came out as male-to-female transgender. My wife has come around since then, and our second child will be born before I start my transition.Your wife 'has come around', has she? Arrogant jerk, aren't you?
She has decided to stay with me, but occasionally she tells me she isn't sure if she can be married to a woman. On the other hand, she says she doesn't want to have to share custody of our children.Let's see. She's a real female, who married a man (ostensibly), who now has decided to remodel himself into a faux-woman. Figuring she married a man (again, ostensibly) in the first place, and not a woman, probably means she wasn't – and still isn't – interested in being married to a woman, faux or not. And since you don't elaborate on why she doesn't want to share custody, I can only guess why she might have reservations about it; perhaps it has something to do with trying to explain to the children that their daddy decided he wanted to become a faux-woman. Who knows?
I have urged her to talk to a therapist, because she gets a few free sessions from her job. Because she doesn't like people knowing about her problems, she steadfastly refuses. I'm not sure what else to do. I won't make her stay if she can't handle it, but I refuse to tell her I'll give her full custody.Again, your arrogance is showing. Why should she see a therapist? She's not the one denying physiology, morphology, and genetics, here, pal. She's not the one with the mental problem, which may very well be the reason behind not wanting to seek therapy – she doesn't need it.
But not, of course, according to Abby:
If your wife prefers, out of concern for her privacy, not to talk to a therapist who's connected with her job, that is her choice. But that does not mean she shouldn't get counseling elsewhere to help her make rational decisions about her future. A support group that could also be helpful to her is the Straight Spouse Network (straightspouse.org), which has been mentioned before in my column.Pardon me, Abby, but the wife doesn't need the counseling; she's not the one with the delusion of incorrect gender, she's not the one who's denying biology, she's not the one being the arrogant jerk, here. And telling the arrogant jerk this isn't helping him one bit – all you're doing is encouraging his delusion.
As for you, my friend, you should consult a lawyer who specializes in family law and gender issues. Lambda Legal (lambdalegal.org) should be able to refer you. With help, you should be able to work out a fair and reasonable custody arrangement, should it become necessary.Once again, your advice is wrong, since he's already said he's willing to give up custody – what he's not willing to do is act like the man and tell his wife that. Instead, he's acting like a petulant child.
And you, dear Abby, are encouraging it.
But, of course, that's where we are in society today, aren't we? Encouraging strong delusion and discouraging those people who can still see clearly and who are still willing to speak truth.